::real life::

della may's first Easter.

and i had grand visions of sweet pictures of our 4 out in the sunshine of this lovely day.

and i tried.  and didn't get a single good picture. as each child took off a part of their Easter garb, and got a little crabby or food on their face and i thought of my parents going through 7 rolls of film each christmas trying to get a single shot of the 5 of us smiling simultaneously.

it's real life.  and i love it.  and thankfully, Jesus loves us so much in spite of our mess.  and on this first Easter for della, i was overwhelmed thinking about how often my parenting is a mess and i fail and mess up and need forgiveness.  and the fact that Jesus came for me is the best news i've ever heard.  

hallelujah!  He is Risen!

thank you...

thank you, to miss betty and miss beckett, for all the ways they teach lily the love of our Lord and Savior in such tangible ways.

lily came out of her class today with her new baby jesus and she proudly exclaimed, "mama, i have a baby just like you!"

baby jesus (made so sweetly out of pantyhose) has done everything with lily since she returned home.

he snuggled with her.
he ate lunch with her.
he was even meant to bathe with her until i convinced her that he was quite clean already.
he is currently napping with her in his manger in her room.
he has been by her side all afternoon.

what a powerful and simple reminder of the Lord's presence at this wonderful time of year.

so, thank you, miss betty and miss beckett.

::peace on earth::

we celebrated christmas a day early here because ryan is on call tomorrow. and while anyone who knows me well knows i really really don't like to celebrate things early, it turned out to be just perfect.

ry got home from rounding just as lily and finn were waking up. we had lily wait in her room with her very own cup of hot chocolate and then she bounded out into the living room at just the right time. she is at a very sweet age for christmas and it was a very special day. she made sure that baby jesus joined us for the entire day and loved "helping" us all open every last gift.

our hearts are certainly longing for our families tonight and wishing we could have been a part of the biber-smith-monopolization-of-three-rows-in-church process that occurs so lovingly each christmas eve. and it was hard to know we were missing brandon and sam acting like two year olds through the entire service. but, it was such a sweet day as a family of four and tonight as the church was dark and we were all holding candles, it seemed just perfect... especially since we know we get to be with our families in just a few short days.

so, from our house to yours, we wish you love, happiness, truth and peace this christmas.

control.

crosby's central line had to come out because it was no longer centrally placed and it kept on occluding when they were trying to use it.

they put a peripheral IV in his scalp to be able to continue to give him fluids and medications.  i certainly didn't like seeing my baby with an IV in his head, but i completely understand how tiny his veins are and that that was his best access.

unfortunately, his needs are too great right now for just one tiny IV and they needed to be able to have central access.  so, we knew they would probably have to do a small procedure to obtain access.

yesterday, i went to visit him and got turned away at the door because they were about to start the procedure.

then, about an hour later, ryan went to visit him and also got turned away because they were still working on him.

finally, several hours later, i was able to go visit him after they had gotten the line placed (again, on his head right above his ear).

when i went into the NICU, he seemed ok.  he breathing was more labored and he seemed uncomfortable.  i had hoped to hold him, but i was not able to because he had been so stressed over the last few hours.

i sat with him for a while and just put my hand on him to try to bring him comfort.

when i left the NICU, i couldn't put my finger on why i was feeling so sad.  overall, he is doing well. he is making small steps of forward progress.  but, my heart was just hurting so much.

as we are moving out of the more critical stages of our NICU stay, i feel less worried on a moment to moment basis.  and yet my heart still hurts. then  it hit me last night that one of the harder aspects about all of this is the complete lack of control we have in crosby's care and the amount of time we can spend loving and soothing him.

i cannot control when i can hold him.
i cannot control when i can even visit him some days.
i cannot control how he is soothed in the night.
i cannot control how he is positioned or swaddled when i am away.
i cannot control his care right now.
i cannot control the sweet words whispered in his ear.
i cannot control the hours he spends alone in his isolette.

and as a mother, it makes me feel so helpless and sad.

but, then i remembered as my heart was aching, that i am thankfully NOT in control at all.
our awesome Lord is.

and He loves crosby more than i could ever imagine.
and He is by his side constantly even when ryan and i cannot be.
and He is his comforter and Father.
and He will never abandon or leave crosby, even in the still hours of the night when ryan and i cannot be there.

and that brings me so much peace.

my heart will ache until the moment crosby is home.
but, i am so thankful that i am not the one ultimately in control.

praise be to God.

"praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
- 2 cornithians 1:3-4
(a good friend of mine just emailed me this verse...it was perfect for the place i currently find myself)