control.

crosby's central line had to come out because it was no longer centrally placed and it kept on occluding when they were trying to use it.

they put a peripheral IV in his scalp to be able to continue to give him fluids and medications.  i certainly didn't like seeing my baby with an IV in his head, but i completely understand how tiny his veins are and that that was his best access.

unfortunately, his needs are too great right now for just one tiny IV and they needed to be able to have central access.  so, we knew they would probably have to do a small procedure to obtain access.

yesterday, i went to visit him and got turned away at the door because they were about to start the procedure.

then, about an hour later, ryan went to visit him and also got turned away because they were still working on him.

finally, several hours later, i was able to go visit him after they had gotten the line placed (again, on his head right above his ear).

when i went into the NICU, he seemed ok.  he breathing was more labored and he seemed uncomfortable.  i had hoped to hold him, but i was not able to because he had been so stressed over the last few hours.

i sat with him for a while and just put my hand on him to try to bring him comfort.

when i left the NICU, i couldn't put my finger on why i was feeling so sad.  overall, he is doing well. he is making small steps of forward progress.  but, my heart was just hurting so much.

as we are moving out of the more critical stages of our NICU stay, i feel less worried on a moment to moment basis.  and yet my heart still hurts. then  it hit me last night that one of the harder aspects about all of this is the complete lack of control we have in crosby's care and the amount of time we can spend loving and soothing him.

i cannot control when i can hold him.
i cannot control when i can even visit him some days.
i cannot control how he is soothed in the night.
i cannot control how he is positioned or swaddled when i am away.
i cannot control his care right now.
i cannot control the sweet words whispered in his ear.
i cannot control the hours he spends alone in his isolette.

and as a mother, it makes me feel so helpless and sad.

but, then i remembered as my heart was aching, that i am thankfully NOT in control at all.
our awesome Lord is.

and He loves crosby more than i could ever imagine.
and He is by his side constantly even when ryan and i cannot be.
and He is his comforter and Father.
and He will never abandon or leave crosby, even in the still hours of the night when ryan and i cannot be there.

and that brings me so much peace.

my heart will ache until the moment crosby is home.
but, i am so thankful that i am not the one ultimately in control.

praise be to God.

"praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
- 2 cornithians 1:3-4
(a good friend of mine just emailed me this verse...it was perfect for the place i currently find myself)