::void::

there is a void in my belly for my sweet baby.

and there is a void in my arms to hold him constantly.

i know he is where he needs to be and i know he is receiving wonderful care.  but, it is hard to reconcile this knowledge with my heart.  my heart just wants him safely tucked in my arms.

it feels like he has been here for quite a while.  and yet i can hardly believe that he was not due to arrive for over 8 weeks yet.  every day i wrestle with these emotions and facts.

we had been making great progress this week in terms of crosby's health.  he had finally gotten up to the full volume on his feeds.  and his oxygen requirements were stable.

this afternoon he took a small backslide.  his belly was so taut and full and he was not tolerating his feeds.  he has some suspicious veins on his stomach near his central line.  he has dropped some weight.  and his color was not as great.  thankfully, the NICU team is very conservative and quick to do a workup to make sure they catch any problems.  he is currently having a septic workup and is no longer being fed.  they have had to start giving him some nutrition via his central line again (which we had hoped would be removed soon).  there are several problems they want to ensure are not occurring.  and there is definitely a chance that he is just too young and his bowels aren't ready to tolerate being fed so much.  we are hoping he perks up overnight and they can rule out any serious problems.

we would love prayers for our sweet crosby over the next day as they continue to closely monitor him.

(wonderful news we did receive: crosby's first eye exam looked great.  no retinopathy thus far.  they will continue to do exams every two weeks until his eyes are mature.  thank you for your prayers!)