::vulnerable::

throughout my pregnancy with crosby and during his NICU stay, i have been racked with some of the deepest emotions i have ever experienced.

when i found out i was pregnant with him, i felt sheer joy and thankfulness about the miracle of his conception.

while i was having contractions in my second trimester and hemorrhaging, i felt such intense concern and worry.  and yet i also felt the Lord's presence so deeply.

upon admission to the hospital, i felt disbelief about our grave state and also could not believe that i could possibly be having a baby so soon.  

in the days leading up to his delivery, i felt such a heightened sense of awareness about what was going on with my body and with his.  i felt such dread knowing they were pushing us towards an early c-section.

in the hour prior to his c-section, i felt the Lord's peace transcend upon me as i knew with certainty that it was time.

when crosby was pulled out of me, i was absolutely heartbroken that he did not cry and to hear his apgar score.

and then i was absolutely elated minutes later when ryan affirmed that he was alive.  

as we have walked through the last 2 months of his NICU stay, there have been moments of deep sadness and also of deep joy. 

 holding him for the first time was one of the most emotional experiences of my life. 

 leaving the hospital without my baby was one of the worst times in my life.

and an emotion that neither ryan nor i have been able to shake during it all has been guilt.

i have struggled so much wondering if there was anything i should have done differently during my pregnancy.

i have struggled so much knowing that i am not mothering my best either at home or in the hospital.

i have struggled so much having my children living in two separate places.

i have struggled so much worrying that crosby has felt alone and has not been comforted at times.

i have struggled so much feeling like in all areas of my life, i am not doing my best.

and all of this guilt came crashing down on me on thursday.  i just felt overwhelmed by it all and like i could bear it no more.

having your children separated in two different places is absolutely so unnatural feeling.

and then, friday morning, i was met with the best news i've had in a long time.

our nurse practitioner mentioned the word "home" to us.  

prior to this, when we have mentioned going home, everyone has politely hedged the question.

but, "home" and "crosby" were both in the same sentence on friday morning.

they have taken crosby off of caffeine and if he can go for eight days without forgetting to breathe or significantly dropping his heart rate, he will be very close to going home!

i felt as if at one of my lower and harder moments throughout our NICU stay, the Lord lifted me out of the valley of darkness and showed me His goodness.  

and for that i could not be more thankful.  

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.


thank you, oh Lord, for knowing my inmost being.  and for loving crosby more than i could ever know.

note his sweet NICU haircut.  both sides are shaved and awesome from his IV access.  :)